August 6, 2020

Own Your Throne!

Own Your Thrown

I had the opportunity to observe the interplay between an under-expressed and an over-expressed Queen recently and I thought I’d share it with you.

The under-expressed Queen found herself in a situation where she felt she was being taken advantage of.  she hadn’t gathered enough information to make an informed decision, and she didn’t have the confidence to put up firm boundaries.  Consequently, she was feeling she was being “done-to” in some way. She was also making a number of assumptions about the intentions of another person based on a considerable lack of information.  

What she did next was access a more balanced expression of Queen and asked for help.  Yes, I know that might not sound Queenly, but the truth is, the Queen will reach out to her realm and seek the expert opinions of those in her realm.  That’s how powerful decisions are made. 

This Queen chose a particularly active part of her realm to seek counsel and wow, did she get some strong suggestions coming back.  The number of over-expressed Queens who were quick to jump in with an “off with her head” type of response was staggering.  

In observing this, I began to wonder where the strength of reaction was coming from, there was a lot of fear in the dialogue and it was heavily masked by outrage. Why was there so much emotion being attached to this question? We’re living in a rapidly changing world so was this happening as a result of significant changes in our cultural paradigm?  Could it be part of the hopeful shift from the Patriarchy to a new paradigm that will be better for all of us – men, women and children, or more simply, for all humankind?  Or was it the old paradigm trying to keep our Queens in their ivory tower?

Either way, there’s no denying change is in the air.

With change, comes uncertainty and we have seen how this can result in high levels of instability. This is bound to have many amazing Queens begin to feel a wee bit wobbly on their thrones.  Some will protect their position aggressively (over-expressed) and some will hide behind their throne (under-expressed). 

While we are all striving to find our place in this new paradigm, on a landscape that it completely unknown and little understood, having a balanced expression of Queen is going to become increasingly important. 


Well, if you are showing up with an under-expression of Queen, lacking boundaries, feeling done-to in a world that is ever-changing, you will not know, far less realise your potential. You will feel left behind, stuck and irrelevant in the new landscape. You will become a victim of the old paradigm and trapped in its grip.  What this might look like is being passed over for promotion, your ideas disregarded in meetings, or your opinions being ignored in family decisions.

And if you’re showing up with an aggressive and malevolent expression of Queen, hell-bent on retribution and protecting your boundaries at all costs, you will find yourself becoming alienated in a fast-growing self-aware world that is becoming increasingly intolerant of inequalities and prejudices.  Maintaining the facade that you are stronger, tougher, mightier than everyone else will only serve to deliver a realm filled with submissive and impotent teams who are bound to you by fear. This is likely to be realised by making it to the top but finding it isolating and an exhausting battle to stay there, or being leader of a team that lacks creativity and passion, and may even result in a family dynamic that is driven by rules and boundaries that seem impossible to satisfy.

What these two extremes have in common, is they are both driven by fear.  And it’s possible that the fear underlying the behaviours can cause them to swing like an out of control pendulum, between under and over expressions of the Queen. So, the victim reaches her tipping point and swings wildly into bitch Queen, madly throwing her boundaries around and distancing herself from everyone. And the bitch Queen finally collapses under the weight of a far too heavy crown and crushing robe reduced to a victim state while she licks her wounds. 

How can this instability impact us?

Well in the case of the under-expressed Queen I mentioned, she is now conflicted.  Should she do what she agreed to do? She will be filled with resentment and the responsibility for the miscommunication will lie solely with the other businesswoman (from her perspective at least). Or should she swing towards over-expression? This would see her laying down hard boundaries, having accusatory conversations, damaging relations and re-writing a new reputation for herself as being unstable and unpredictable, possibly even unprofessional. In the former, she has a painful experience but will unlikely be able to learn the true lesson and, in the latter, she gets to learn nothing at all because she denies herself the entire experience. 

Or she could address the fear that finds her here. Address it, thank it for trying to keep her safe, and with elegance and dignity travel through the encounter, her crown shining brightly and her robe flowing elegantly in the breeze. Having made a powerful decision, learnt a valuable lesson and secured her reputation for being someone who can be relied upon to be fair and just, loving and kind – oh and, more powerful than before. Which, I am delighted to say, is exactly what she did in the end.

So how wildly is your pendulum swinging right now?

Finding a balanced expression of Queen will not only see you maintain a better relationship with your teams and family but also with yourself.  You can create powerful boundaries that are inclusive and respectful and that inspire loyalty. You will enjoy great relationships founded on respect and create a family dynamic that provides safety and solace for those you love.  You’ll no longer be walked over or over-looked, the people in your realm will want to hear what you have to say and be inspired by you.

Working through the fears that are keeping you from allowing the pendulum to rest, gently swaying over a more balanced expression of Queen can be really tough but I hope to have persuaded you, this world needs more balanced Queens not more mighty bitch Queens if we are to thrive in the new paradigm.

It’s my passion in life and work, to help more balanced Queens step out and recreate a world fit for her realm. Come and have a chat with me and find out how you can slow your pendulum down. 


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